


Never Home (or how Lila Tased Chat Noir)

by siderealSandman



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien's Love of Food, F/M, Lonely Rich Kid Bonding, Tasers, Think Outside the Love Square Month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 22:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealSandman/pseuds/siderealSandman
Summary: Of all the things Lila expected to come home to, Chat Noir watering her fichus was not one of them.





	Never Home (or how Lila Tased Chat Noir)

From the moment Lila step foot into her apartment, she knew that she wasn’t alone.

This was largely because she had come home to an empty apartment every day for the last several months, and having grown so used to the empty feeling associated with it, she knew something was just a little _off_. There was an indescribable presence lingering in the air as she made her way into the kitchen, setting a bag of groceries down and reaching for the small, electric taser she kept in her purse at all times. Her parents would have never let her live alone without protection, and though she had never had the opportunity to use it, she had seen enough horror movies at one in the morning to know how to turn it on whenever the floorboards creaked awkwardly.

Powering the taser on, she made a great show of pretending to be oblivious to the intruder’s presence, stretching lazily as she turned on an Italian news station and made her way from room to room, making a quiet sweep of the small apartment as she went. Humming a tune under her breath, she made sure the bathroom and her wardrobe room were clear before heading into her bedroom, stepping out onto the balcony and breathing in the cool evening air.

After a moment, she turned around, heading back inside with a small sigh, about to slip out of her school clothes when a pair of glowing green eyes caught her attention.

The intruder froze, hand clutched around a can of water that was trickling into the potted plant next to Lila’s desk. It was too dark to see anything but the intruder’s eyes, and Lila wasn’t exactly in the mood to give strange men in her home the benefit of the doubt. As the bandit opened his mouth to say something, Lila’s survival instinct kicked in, prompting her to lunge at the assailant, taser crackling as she launched herself at the intruder like jungle cat. The man dropped the watering can with a clanging splash as Lila threw him to the ground, taser pressed against his neck as she realized she had just threw one of Paris’ resident superheroes to the floor of her apartment.

And not even the one she didn’t like.

“What…the _hell_ are you doing here?!” Lila spluttered.

“Your…fichus…was…dying,” Chat panted.

* * *

“Did Ladybug ask you to come here?”

Chat didn’t quite know what was harder to believe; the fact that Lila Rossi had _tased_ him, or the fact that she was now preparing something that he could only describe as _heavenly._

“Huh?” Chat asked, shaking his head as Lila fixed him with a deadpan glance. “Oh…n-no, Ladybug doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Mmhmm,” Lila said, turning back to the veal steak unconvinced. “You’re not here to get me back in her good graces?”

“I think that ship has sailed, hasn’t it?” Chat chuckled.

“Sailed, sunk, and sitting at the bottom of the ocean,” Lila muttered, tipping the cutlets onto a pair of plates with a pair of small green salads. Chat blinked at her as she plopped the plate down in front of him, glancing between the cutlet and an amused looking Lila as she looked at him. “Something wrong?”

“No I just…” Chat scratched the back of his head. “Do you usually feed people who break into your house?”

“Color me curious,” Lila said as she regarded her unconventional dinner guest. “I’m interested to know why Chat Noir seems to be so interested in the wellbeing of my house plants, and this seems to be the best way to get you to stay in one place long enough for me to squeeze the story out of you.”

“Aren’t your parents going to be upset that their daughter is entertaining random strangers in the middle of the night?” Chat asked, poking the cutlet curiously before taking a bite, eyes practically dilating as she swore she heard him purr with delight.

“I don’t live with my parents,” Lila said simply, cutting a chunk off her veal and placing it in her mouth with a thoughtful crunch before squeezing a little lemon over the top.

“…oh,” Chat said simply. “I just thought…w-well, I heard you moved to France so I assumed-”

“Mama’s work keeps her fairly busy,” Lila said with a small shrug. “She has to be in the Milan office most days, so it’s easier for her to just stay in Italy.”

“And you’re okay living here by yourself?” Lila’s fork paused between her plate and her mouth for the faintest moment.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” Lila said, leaning across the table with a small smile. “Do you check in on all the former akuma victims like this, or am I just that special?”

“Oh, n-no it’s not that you’re special or…I-I mean you’re _special,_ clearly, but I didn’t…” Chat stammered, fiddling with his food as Lila’s smile became toothy. “I just…your apartment balcony is the _perfect_ landing spot for me to kick off of to land on the building next door and I…may or may not land on it when I’m running home.”

“Wait, that bumping in the middle of the night is _you_?” Lila asked. “I thought I just had a raccoon trying to get in my window…”

“So I…kinda noticed your plant didn’t look happy,” Chat said, scratching his cheek. “And I may have bought a watering can to…thank you for letting me use your balcony as a springboard.”

“Seriously?” Lila snorted, leaning back in her chair. “You _really_ went out of your way, every day, to water a plant that isn’t yours just to thank me for something I didn’t do?”

Chat shot her a lopsided, somewhat bashful smirk. “I’m a superhero; what can I say?”

“A real knight in shining armor, aren’t you?” Lila chuckled. “Savior of damsel-plants in distress from girls who kill everything they touch.”

“As someone who’s helped slay an actual dragon, I have to say you’re something of a disappointment,” Chat Noir laughed, taking another bite of his meat. “Though your Lightning Bolt attack packed quite a whallop.”

“Mama wouldn’t let me live in a house by myself without protection,” Lila said, narrowing her eyes at Chat. “And I seem to remember knocking someone flat on their tail not an hour ago. I’d say that’s fairly amazing, wouldn’t you?”

“You certainly don’t need a costume to be amazing,” Chat said, causing Lila to frown and glance up at the boy who appeared lost in a world of cotoletta. There was something strangely familiar about him, but Lila couldn’t quite place it, and the fact that she _almost_ realized something about him was maddening.

“…aren’t your parents expecting you for dinner?” Lila asked, raising an eyebrow.

“…Dad’s working late tonight,” Chat said simply, burying a small flash of disappointment with another bite of his meal.

“Too busy for dinner?” Lila asked.

“He’s…got a lot on his plate,” Chat shrugged as Lila chewed thoughtfully.

“Yeah…I understand what you mean,” Lila said softly, wiping her mouth with a napkin. “So…do you plan on continuing to use my balcony as your personal springboard?”

“Unless I want to circumvent this part of town completely,” Chat said. “Which I’d rather not have to do.”

“Because you enjoy spying me changing through my window?”

“What?! No, I-” Chat trailed off as he caught sight of Lila’s smile. “…you’re messing me, aren’t you?”

“You catch on quick, _gattino_ ,” Lila said, mopping up the last of her veal juice with the spinach and strawberry salad. “Though I’m wondering if I shouldn’t be charging rent for the use of my balcony.”

“I’m sure whatever price you want, I could pay,” Chat chuckled.

“I’m not hard up for money,” Lila said, chewing on her lower lip. “I would appreciate your usual gardening services…provided your home life doesn’t demand your attention.”

“No real worry of that,” Chat said with a bitter laugh, extending his gloved hand across the table. “Do we have a deal then? You’ll keep renting me your balcony?”

“So long as you swing by every few days,” Lila said, thumb raking over the back of his gloved knuckles. “I’m not exactly a gardener, you know.”

“Clearly; I thought your plant was fake when I first saw it.”

“I still have charge in my taser, you know.”

“Now’s probably a good time to tell you I can’t really feel pain in this thing,” Chat said with a small flex.

“So that means you weren’t even stunned when I threw you to the ground?” Lila said, piling her plate on top of Chat’s as he carried them into the kitchen. “Good to know.”

“Hey, your hip toss is impressive, girl,” Chat chuckled.

“Do you compliment all your girlfriends on their hips, or is it just me?” Lila said, leaning on the counter.

“I don’t have any girlfriends,” Chat said, packing the plates in the dishwasher.

“Certainly not for lack of trying,” Lila said, cocking her head to one side with a smirk. “I’m sure if you looked elsewhere for love, you’d find no shortage of willing young ladies.”

“Do you say that to all the guys you bring home?” Chat said, leaning across the counter with an identically toothy smile.

“Just the ones who break in and water my plants,” Lila said, eyes tracing the curve of his mask for a moment. Seizing an impulse, she reached up, fingers sliding along his mask as she tried to find some seam she could use to pull it off. Surprisingly, Chat didn’t move, stiffening under her touch but still smiling as she pulled away.

“Disappointed?”

“A touch,” Lila said. “Who wouldn’t want to be party to one of the biggest secrets in Paris?”

“As lovely as the meal was, it wasn’t quite secret-identity reveal good,” Chat said, meandering towards the glass door leading out to the balcony.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to get my Julia Child on,” Lila said, following him out into the balmy French evening. “Or break out the cat nip.”

“That’s a misconception,” Chat said, leaning on the edge of the balcony. “Now, if you managed to get me a cookie-”

“I’ll leave some out for you then,” Lila said, leaning on the balcony as the sun set in the distance. She glanced across at him, watching the way the wind rustled his hair as he took a deep breath, turning to her with a toothy smile.

“Thanks for dinner…and not calling the police,” Chat said sheepishly.

“Thank you for the unsolicited landscaping,” Lila said, brushing some hair out of her face as the wind began to pick up. “Though I wonder how your partner is going to feel about your new side job.”

“Ladybug can feel however she wants,” Chat said with wink and a small salute. “But there’s nothing wrong helping out a friend, is there?”

For the first time all night, Lila was at a loss for words, and before she could recover, Chat was off, kicking hard off her balcony and up onto building next to hers. He landed in a low crouch, shooting her a wave over his shoulder before running off into the deepening night. She watched him go for a long moment, his black figure trailing over the rooftops for a few moments before arcing right, continuing to run in a completely different direction, almost as though the stop at her place had been considerably out of his way.

“Oh, so I’m just a stop on your way home, am I?” Lila said, smile playing at her lips as she turned and walked back into her apartment. “Alright, _gattino_ , if that’s how you want to play it…”

**Author's Note:**

> A (somewhat) late addition for Week 2 of TOTLS Month. Balcony scenes may not be canon (yet) but here’s a Lilanoir remix of a Marichat staple!


End file.
